FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I went to an AA meeting
I met a lot of batteries
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]