My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
When I laugh on my period
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
#TopTip
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button