My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

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A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.


WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece

Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?


I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.


Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.


Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you… Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)


Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes


If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?


Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.


‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down