My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*sewing*
A thread
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.