@backporchlady

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

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@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

@lolajxx

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

@onion_an

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

@UncleDuke1969

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

@ArfMeasures

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

@yenniwhite

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin