[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Yup
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that