[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!