My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

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If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.


The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..


ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot


Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.


When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram


Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!


I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.


virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this


virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel


Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”


I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards