My blood type is b hungry.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”