My blood type is b hungry.
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*