me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.