My blood type is coffee.
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If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.