@lunasgarden_

My blood type is coffee.

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@lasergirl70

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@MooseAllain

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

@AbbieEvansXO

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

@Prof_Hinkley

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

@_steamy_mac

Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@Mikel_Jollett

PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.

UNITED: Hold my beer.