Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My blood type is coffee.
You Might Also Like
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.
Always a metermaid never a meter
PEPSI: We made the biggest PR blunder of any major company this year.
UNITED: Hold my beer.