My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now