My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
welp
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me