My body is a temple

for potatoes.

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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.


“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.


governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert


6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.


Me: I want a…

Debit card: Nope.

Me: Ok. Just making sure.


“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.


Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month


Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.


I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”


‘I’m Spartacus’

‘No I’m Spartacus’

‘I am Spartacus’

‘I AM Spartacus’

‘I’m Spartacus’

‘Look I just need someone to sign for the package’