My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.