My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Incredible customer service.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.