My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
You Might Also Like
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
britain’s three elite institutions
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
This is the one
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
good morning
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.