My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?