I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.