ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.
Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now