A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler