Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there