My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
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[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.