my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
😂🤣😂🤣
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.