@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

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@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

@stockejock

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@LlamaInaTux

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

@YuckyTom

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@KarlreMarks

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

@huntigula

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@azizpabani

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

@CaniacMONK

My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.