@tiffistrying

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

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@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

@McKnightyBoo

It’s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don’t feel like listening to people anymore

@SortaSarcastic

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@rebrafsim

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

@Gooooats

Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@CallousBalzac

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.