my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”


It’s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don’t feel like listening to people anymore


This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.



Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.


*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*


[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature


Her: Please stop having loud, moany, slapping sex in your tent. This is a family campground.
Me: That was just me eating ribs.


If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.


My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.