I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Whoa 😂
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.