my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
📽️movie date🎞️
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”