my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Storm Tropical Storm
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
This is a bad sign
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.