My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.


mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*


Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.


like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’


On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off


If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*


The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.


If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’