@WilliamAder

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

You Might Also Like

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@TheHyyyype

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

@dafloydsta

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

@egg_dog

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

@mstluvstrinkets

On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.

@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

@ceejoyner

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@envydatropic

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

@blade_funner

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’