My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.