My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss