My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Worth remembering.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.