@bathflyer

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

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@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

@envydatropic

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@jtrulez

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@chrisdelia

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

@david8hughes

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

@RoobsC

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.