When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
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Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.
when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.