My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.