My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Canada has crack?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The Joker was right
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.