HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?
[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.
but was it fire…?
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]
Uppercuts a horse. Creates the first girrafe.