@DanOverHere

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

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@nbadag

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@1CleverClogs

My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.

@friedmanjon

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

@dave_cactus

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]