My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.


My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.


TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service


These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?


“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”


I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”


Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.