My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.