@mack44_d

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

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@Nrvous1

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@215potter

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

@DanMentos

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

@MyPornKhan

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.