My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold


God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it


*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.


The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.


Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said


[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]


If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?


TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.