My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

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When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.


Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker so now we will both be here until we’re dead.


robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer

nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!


Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.


Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh


Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.


If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now