@ihateitmunky

My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword

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@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@UncleDuke1969

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

@Sanbel11

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

@Aikiwomannc

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

@TEXASVETERAN

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@Melecevida

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.