My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The only good comments section online is on recipes
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair