THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
That’s enough internet for the day
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.