My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE