My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
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customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away