Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

For anyone who needs this today

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%