If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Rich people don’t understand cereal
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.