My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person