Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
we’re dead?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining