@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

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@adamgreattweet

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

@jamespianka

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

@rebrafsim

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

@MomOf2Happas

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@kwirkyKerri

Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

@envydatropic

My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..