My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?


“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”


Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah



If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son


Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.


ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda


Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.


Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun


My phone changed “you wanna hang” to “you wanna bang”

and send……..