my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull