My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field