My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor