My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Oh hi lol
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
*updates tinder bio*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.