My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I need a headline like this
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me when my alarm goes off