My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

You Might Also Like


I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.


I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine


*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*


Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.


My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”


Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha


I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.


Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.