@rainerfm

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

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@Freak0nIine

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@BoomBoomBetty

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@Ygrene

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

@stewnami

I just burped and fogged my glasses up. Line forms to the left ladies.

@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

@BradBroaddus

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.