My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.