My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.