My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?